The wrong way out

WHEN I WAS 16 my focus was on sports and my dreams as an athlete. I wanted to set records. I wanted to go to college on a scholarship, maybe even to the Olympics. I wanted my family to be proud of me. Even so, it seemed that some nagging questions kept rising within. Questions that distracted me and interfered with my performance. A recurring question was, "Will I always feel so alone?" It would usually hit at night when things were quiet. It would also come up at random times, even when I had people all around me. I felt important and valued because I could play well. But I wanted a friendship that was not about my talent. I had a longing in my heart for connection.

One night a woman from our team showed me attention and asked me questions that probed beyond the game I played. It was easy to be around her and it felt good that someone seemed to like me apart from my performance. I admired her confidence and sense of humor. We connected, and my heart responded. Her friendship felt like water in the desert.

As time went by I longed more and more for her presence in my life. She gladly complied. We were two people who somehow seemed to fit, like puzzle pieces. At first our relationship was a great escape from the pressures of performing that I put on myself. We laughed a lot, talked a lot, and spent as much time together as possible. She seemed to understand my emotions and offered some balance to the drivenness in me. I felt expectations to perform from everyone else, but with her I just felt loved. The closer we became emotionally, the more closeness I craved. In a matter of months we became physically involved.

As time went by, though, problems began to emerge. Exclusivity, possessiveness, jealousy, and anger began to characterize our relationship. Somehow inside I knew something was not quite right, but it seemed too good to be called all wrong. I hadn't asked myself the question about being alone since we had met. But new questions were surfaced. Why is there so much anger when other people came into my life? Why do I feel so jealous too? How will we ever resolve this? Do people know we are physically involved? Do I care if they know?

I decided that I didn't care. Our relationship was our business. And yet there was a vague sense of shame and guilt that I couldn't shake. I was consumed physically, emotionally, and mentally with this relationship. I would say I was addicted to her.

Somehow, in the midst of all this, I still managed to realize some of my athletic dreams. As new people came into my life new questions came up. A person posed a question that began to rock my world: Who do you think Jesus is? We were at a camp, away from my friend. Inside I was wondering what Jesus would say about my relationship with her more than what the truth was about him. As the week went on, I began to realize that I was reading the Bible and understanding it. I saw the love between people who called themselves Christians, and I wondered if I'd stumbled onto something I really needed.

It makes sense to me now that my deep need for relationship had to be met by a relationship. It just never occurred to me that I could have a relationship like that with God. I had felt that he was far away and probably not real happy with me. When I was told that Jesus came to make a way for me to have a love relationship with the Creator now and for eternity, something inside of me began to hope. Could he really fill that void within me? I was willing to take the risk and find out.

Jesus' words to me as I turned to him were, "Follow Me." In this following process I have slowly learned how to have his love fill my lonely places, and his purposes direct my life. I have found in surrendering to his definitions and guidelines in life that my broken places are healing. One of the hardest steps in following him was leaving the relationship that had begun in high school. I wanted to understand why our friendship had been so intense, and why we had become involved physically. I wanted him to change all of the feelings I had for my friend, so that we could just have a close, healthy friendship.

My struggle to find understanding and to set boundaries within our relationship just didn't work. We repeatedly crossed lines emotionally and physically. Finally, I felt the Lord speak to my heart, "Understanding can wait, but obedience cannot." He was asking me to make him the most important person in my life. The question was, "Will you trust me to take care of your needs and to take care of her needs apart from you?" It was the hardest but best choice to leave the relationship. Dan Allender describes what I experienced in his book Bold Love. "No one will leave an addiction or compulsion unless a competing passion is offered that gives a taste of what the soul was meant to enjoy."

My soul was meant to enjoy a relationship with God that is deep and fulfilling. It has been an adventure these many years getting to know him. I have battled at times, not always embracing the process of change and discipline. But each step of the way he has stayed. When I feared to follow him, he as brought truth to help. When I needed answers to more and more questions, one by one they came - at least enough to take me to the next step. My understanding has gradually increased. He has helped me find balance and peace in my life and the relationship he gives. My soul has found joy in his love, and I know I will never be alone.

Knowing God